little tells a lot

Tracing I Love You

2010-09-20T13:25:00.003-06:00

Its been months since I've told this story but the other day I had to re-hash it during therapy. Yep, I'm back in therapy, many would say it has been way too long.

May 14th
This day has entered my memory bank and will forever be there, not to much can erase this day however we (I) have an idea, but that's another story for another day.

The day didn't start off very well. I spent the morning crying in the shower trying to figure out what was wrong with my love, Sarah. She had been 'off' for approximately 4 months and only seemed to be getting worse. I met up with a couple friends that day discussing the changes I've been witnessing. I walked away with confidence in myself, our relationship and Sarah.

The 9th Floor
I was in such anticipation as I watched the elevator tick upward to the 9th floor of the downtown tower. I couldn't wait to see her, have her see my face glowing with resolution. I rounded the halls lined with cubicles and offices to her small (smallest of all financial reps but coolest) hip, chic office. To my surprise, she wasn't there so I ventured around the office asking if anyone has seen her or if they know where she is. I continued to get, "no."

I stopped by her colleagues office to see her calendar as she may be out to coffee with a potential client, her calendar was blank. The lines drew hard between my eyes with confusion. I walked back to her office to see if her purse and wallet had gone with her, both were behind her desk. Worry began to overcome me. I marched back to her colleague and explained what I had found and asked him to send her a text, 10 minutes passed, nothing.

I sent her a message on our blackberry messenger and waited for delivery, nothing. I couldn't get to my car fast enough as I was stricken by worry. I drove home and opened our garage to count our bikes, 1, 2, 3...7, all were there. A few day before Sarah had told me she wasn't safe when I asked, she told me she wanted to ride up into the mountains and hang herself. Little did I know she was very serious. Let it be known, if anyone says these words to you in any manner that indicates suicide take them to a facility. I did not. I am disappointed that I did not react to her words.

I headed to Christy's house as I didn't know what to do. Sarah's blackberry message still hadn't been received. I arrived at Christy's and she instantly asked me, "what's wrong?" I had it written all over my face. I explained what I had been doing the past hour and her response was, "did you check the house?", I replied, "no, I only opened the garage and counted the bikes."

The Shower
We walked into the house and my face was blasted with humid shower air, relief entered my body. I told Christy, "it's okay, she's home, she's in the shower", she asked which shower so we headed to our bedroom.

As the bathroom door opened my first glance were feet dangling outside of our red shower curtain. I rushed in and pulled the curtain aside. She was lying there completely still as the cold shower glanced off her body. Adrenaline kicked in. Christy said, "Erika call 911!" I said, "no, you!" I jerked her limp body out of the shower so fast, which was a mistake, unbeknownst to me she had tried to hang herself, but that was an after thought. I screamed her name so many times with no response. Tears streamed my face. I grabbed her wrist to feel for a radial pulse, her skin was so cold, nothing. Reached for the carotid artery, nothing. I put my ear to her mouth for a breath, nothing. I rolled my hand over, again to feel for a breath, Nothing. I try the carotid again, YES, there's a pulse, but very faint.

Christy was on the phone with the 911 operator repeating every thing I was saying. Christy yells, "Erika start CPR!", I reply, "I can't." " You're a nurse, yes you can", she states. I began CPR. After the first 5 compressions, tears streaming down my face, I say, "I can't believe she's letting me do this to her." I give the first breath, her chest inflates and her breath gives back, "I think, she's breathing", I say. I flip my hand over to feel on sensitive skin, YES, but again faintly.

Now, everything in the books say, pulse and respirations do not do CPR. I wasn't about to take a chance. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived.

The Waiting Room
Boy oh boy, if your loved one is ever behind those steel doors and you haven't heard a word from a doctor it is such a revolting feeling. A chaplain walks out and looks me straight in my eyes, my heart sinks, no, no, no I thought, but she rounds the corner. I think my heart actually missed a beat.

Finally, the security officer led me back to her room. I walked in and she was intubated, shit, shit, shit, this is not good, ran through my head. I immediately went to her ear and told her how much I loved her, a tear rolled down her face and her pulse went up. I asked the nurse if this is possible she heard and understood me, he said that he didn't think so. Whatever, I thought. She was so cold. I listened to him give me the run down of her being intubated, catheterized, lavaged, and her body temperature. I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew all to well.

I stayed with her until they transferred her.

ICU
Waiting and friends arriving with prayers, worry, condolences and love is what happened in the ICU that night. Sarah's night nurse absolutely acknowledged us as partners, she told me to go home and rest as she's on duty. I slept probably 3 hours. Adrenaline was still piercing through my veins.

I arrive the next morning around 6:30am. I was told they were going to try to wake her. The night nurse let me back during shift change which is usually against the rules. The day nurse gave me evils, I should have known then.

Sarah's eyes were open. I walk in and she tries to talk, but nothing comes out only alarm bells from the intubation machine. I tell her don't talk, both our eyes fill with huge crocodile tears. She waves for my hand, she traces each letter, I-L-O-V-E-U, I cried harder. I-M-S-O-R-R-Y, I said, "I know baby." I-W-A-N-T-E-D-T-O-D-I-E, "I know baby, it's okay." I said.

I stayed with her until she was transferred to the Medical-Surgical floor, at this point she was stable, physically healthy and ALIVE!

Most of you know the journey beyond the hospital walls as Sarah has kept you up to date. I hope this helps fill in some the gaps, sorry it has taken me so long to write this. Sarah, no matter what, I love you.

Her Birthday

2010-05-05T09:31:00.002-06:00

It's coming up soon and fast. O' what to get the little lady! I'll give the details later...

For you.

2010-03-29T07:30:00.003-06:00

Tears stream down my face as I read your words. You amaze me, surprise me with how well you know me. I never thought any one person would 'get' me. All smiles are for you, all snickers are for you, oh and HUNK bars. :0)

I love your stories. Never stop sharing, good or traumatizing, it helps me know you. Helps me understand the complexity of your head. Helps me reach across and hold you in my arms. Helps me believe-in you, in us, in we.

Jack asked me to share why I was crying and laughing while reading your blog. So I did. I encouraged him to share such powerful words with his future love, he smiled. You always make us smile. A smile shares a million thoughts. Thank you for creating a million beautiful thoughts as we smile-at you.

Always, yours.

Armor Amor

2010-03-23T19:03:00.006-06:00

I've never felt so much steel.
The weight must be beyond your strongest will.
Circling in and out,
waiting to be caught and fed as a meal.

Your hard armor butts against my soft shell.
Soft only to those whom go by 'lover'.
You watch as my eyes begin to swell.
A kiss, you say, will make you die?

Lay down my strong steed.
There is no need, begin to rest with me.
I am not your enemy.
The hands second will help us be.

Layers upon layers begin to unbind.
A sun stricken armor fills the carpeted floor.
I dare not look saturated-steel feels unkind.
Caught by an eye, a small stitch begins to unravel, and then amor.

Don't be in haste when reaching for the metal.
As your head begins to rattle.
Hear my words, "You are safe".
Spin around, a dare taken, awaits.

Winter Anomaly

2010-03-17T10:12:00.009-06:00

I met her one snow covered day.
It was the feeling of depth.
Hidden away from all that was in the way.
Games were the beginning of the way we sway.

Time collapsed.
Everything began to burn.
Dreams shattered turning to sap.
The the winter sang, "dreamers have a turn."

Harvest was upon us and words began to fly.
Emotion seeped deep.
Deny her.
Deny her.

Winter snow blew us,
upon the wounded table.
Tears, fears, trust.
Guards marched; fight who they're able.

Mending the story for a happy ending.
Growing green house dreams.
O' what went wrong?
An ally, not so much, a movie's Scream.

Winter came with much wonder.
Begging for a time warp.
Feelings of familiar ponder.
Silence...and done?

A view worth a thousand lies.
Questions blaze...
Emotions halt the dreary tie.
Stricken with the truth.
Finger nails stripping the chalk ridden board.

Can't seem to let you go.
Haunting years.
Please, please I beg you to sew,
our summoned fears.

Let it be,
a future awaits we.

2010-03-15T10:59:00.008-06:00

I was warm when you entered my home.
I lent you my shoulder when your strength weakened.
I prepared food for your soul.
I praised you for respect.

I mended the harsh words.
I salvaged the relationship.
I showered you with gifts when the holiday was upon us.
I asked for your unbiased advise.
I opened my heart to you.
I trusted you.
You called me 'friend'.

You had another plan.
You fed off her dispair.
Longed for her highs and lows.
Your motivation changed.
You began to slither.
Your prey was near.
The long grass camouflaged your intent.

She listened.
You gathered the broken pieces.
Elder words radiated.
Her body easily entered your lubricated tongue.
Lies were in transition.

I became suspicious.
Accusations ran...

waiting...perched high, ready for salvation.

Truths stained the air.
Exausted. Her breath slowed, she escaped.

SHE salvaged the relationship.

The GOOD fight

2009-10-27T10:52:00.002-06:00

On the defeat of the anti-discrimination bill in Olympia, Cammermeyer says we need to learn from the experience and figure out to how to succeed next time. She says, "I continue to wonder how I can do more." She believes, "First, you live your truth. And you do that with dignity, with grace, and with visibility. Then you're active in your community," whether that's the gay community, your workplace, or any other sort. As you live your truth, she feels, the misconceptions others have of you because you're gay, or former military, or a Democrat, weaken.

As long as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" exists and people can't serve openly, and as long as gays and lesbians in the state of Washington can be fired from their jobs simply because of their orientation, Cammermeyer has a mission. "Until that changes, those are the issues that I will be speaking out on behalf of," she says.

~Dr. Grethe Cammermeyer RN, PhD

This morning I watch 'Serving in Silence', starring Glenn Close. This movie is based on true coming out story of Col. Grethe Cammermeyer. It's worth seeing-

At least take a look at her website: http://www.cammermeyer.com

Growing Home

2009-06-05T20:35:00.007-06:00

Yesterday I was asked to write a blog, now blogging is not my most favorite pastime but sometimes I produce something worth reading. Ha!

Today, she headed home. The last few weeks have been very stressful as trips home can be very eventful. We've rehearsed and roll played all possible scenarios, unfortunately *all* scenarios can't be forecasted.

This moment she is spending time with her aunt and her partner, reminiscing about her childhood, the good and I'm sure the bad. Talking of the present, how life has landed her obstacles and rewards, how she's finally happy.

I'm happy for her. Happy she can finally connect with family, this is long overdue. Little did she realize it would be a woman, whose name was scowled as a child. She finally meets this woman, as a woman, and admires everything she represents.

As she lay in bed, I'm sure she questions all the negativity that was casted upon this name. Why? Why would someone place their negative feelings and thoughts on their child?

As a mother, she's realizes the impact this has on an innocent child. How easily minds can be molded, how this is not fair.

Fingers will not be pointed on this trip and hopefully no future trip-home. Home should not represent shame, only growth. This is how she has grown. Home makes her grow.

I am proud of her growth. Never stop.

Friends

2009-03-30T15:13:00.009-06:00

I spoke with a friend from college today. She is a strong woman that I have much deserving respect. We met my second year of college and have been friends for over 10 years. She is nearly 1800 miles away but never too far for a chat.

I appreciate the excitement in her voice when she hears mine. Recently we've both been living life and haven't spoken; today I decided to give her a shout. She always gives me a great big 'Hello!', even though its been months. It's amazing when time still passes and a conversation never seems distant.

I believe life has chosen for us to be distant friends, friends that will always make time to hear our happiness or sorrows but never judge if either has to get off the phone - abruptly.

It's forgiveness. It's trust. It's friendship.

It's not every day that we meet someone that will end up being our friend for life.

Sometimes...

2009-03-04T23:00:00.006-07:00

Sometimes when I read her blog I cry...

Sometimes when I read her blog I cringe...

Somtimes when I read her blog I shed tears for her...

Sometimes when I read her blog I smile...

Sometimes when I read her blog I laugh...

and...

Sometimes when I read her blog I think, "I'm so lucky"...

...my favorite.

Her...

2009-02-07T09:06:00.003-07:00

This is what I walked in to.

Adore her.

Got Hope? Harvey Milk

2009-01-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

the unforseen mess

2009-01-18T17:19:00.005-07:00

My desire to work for a relationship exceeds my desire to run and hide in my shell. We exploded and it was scary. We reached inside and played on each others insecurities.

One of us needed to stop and listen and you were tagged. You listened to my criticisms and you took it. I watched your body slump with disappointment but I knew you were listening intently. Hearing my pain but ready to learn. I commend your ability to put in the work.

Little did we know the messes we create actually bring us closer. They create a euphoric ending to our beginning.

Walking forward with you by my side, armour down.

Cars and Sexual Identities

2009-01-17T13:55:00.005-07:00

What would your choice be if you made six figures? Would you choose a car that is the most commonly driven car of all Colorado...a black Subaru Outback? Or would you be original? Some would consider the Outback to be the most appropriate for our weather. However, I believe a little research must take place before putting down one of your figures.

I'm not one to exploit myself. I'm not one that tries to look like others. Most wouldn't even guess my sexual preference. I drive a Subaru, a white Subaru Impreza to be exact, some would say that I'm a hypocrite, however even though it's a Subaru I believe it's not the most commonly driven color and year of all existing Subarus.

My Subaru was purchased from a used car lot and it was the only one standing. I purchased my car based on how well it handled. I traded in my Honda Civic. Drove away a proud Subi owner.

A very wise man that goes by, PPMCC, said, "we're trying too hard to be like 'them'." 'Them' being the rest of the world. After pondering this thought for a while, I saw his point. Beginning our battle with equal rights and opportunities is a start. People are afraid, afraid that we might actually be legit.

This may be the case for those Black Subaru Outback owners. They just want to fit in, not stand out among the crowds of I-25 and downtown Denver. They have as many rights as all other black Subaru Outback owners.

I say, "Be yourself" and 'they'll' accept you for you-except you.

The way you are...

2009-01-16T22:25:00.003-07:00

She has a way about her. A way that only I can see. Thankfully, no one else has snagged her, because ladies, 'she's mine'. Even if you tasted her for a moment she never looked at you the way she looks at me. I adore her.

I love her more than 2009.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T18:30:00.002-07:00

Resolution:

1) Take better care of myself (start running again)

2) Pay attention to her details (love her)

3) Utilize my time well with school

4) Pay off our Jan. 1, 2009 debt (Who would of thought 2009 would start off at a hotel?)

the only thing i have to say...

2008-11-27T22:43:00.002-07:00

is i love her. i appreciate her and everything she does for jack and i. (period) if you can't apperciate that then you don't deserve her.

Dog-gone

2008-11-16T23:07:00.004-07:00

After the loss of Rufus. I've decided I want an Aussie dog...
Upon return, the little guy ran up to me like a full-on barrel of fur.
He was so damn cute.
I'll convince her, I will. *wink*

He'll be ours, from the beginning.

Today's conversation.

2008-11-14T23:33:00.006-07:00

-Gummy Bears and Pathophysiology.

-KFC and Lesbians.

-Coon dogs and Quiet Homes.

-Sarah and Condoms.

Finally...(this is a good one)

-Sarah and Analogies.

Some things just don't make sense...

Sparkly Blues

2008-11-09T15:31:00.004-07:00

As I rolled over this morning I didn't see my sparkly blues. I could spend hours staring into those eyes, today I watched her rest. I'm usually up before her and usually down before her.

Today I laid next to her and smiled.

Watching from afar...

2008-10-18T17:26:00.002-06:00

With matching clothes, she takes him to the park and plays whatever he wants because it is his 'special day,' I am told. She makes it his special day. She places this little 4 1/2 year old on a pedestal and they love it.

She takes the role as mother when I'm not around. I haven't been around. I watch from afar. I watch her take him by the hand to witness a fire truck. Jack loves fire trucks. I watch them light up. She loves him. He loves her. I love them.

I'll be kneeling down beside them in matching clothes, soon!

Treasurable Lunch Beauty

2008-10-09T18:22:00.005-06:00

I feel as though I've been pushed to my limit. I feel as though my brain has been exposed to the cold air and it's in shock from hypothermia. Tuesday evening was my breaking point, yep, I cried. What the hell am I doing? Why am I torturing myself? Why am I torturing my family?

Soaked by the shower and my tears she eases my frustrations..."every thing's going to be FINE, you (we) made the right decision."

Not only does she support me with her words, her actions are amazing. She wakes up at the butt-crack of dawn, makes my lunch, drives me to my bus stop and kisses me goodbye.

When lunchtime finally rolls around, I'm always surprised by the goodness she provides me in my lunch tote. You're thinking food right? Nope. I get a piece of her...a note, written just for ME.

Now, I'm not one to share my little treasures. Just know, only her and I get it...that's okay. And it's beautiful, just like her. They're always beautiful. You are my beauty.

Thank you with a kiss on top.

Don't Vote

2008-10-02T23:22:00.000-06:00

little fu**ers!

2008-09-30T15:39:00.009-06:00

For the last 3 days I've been saying, "shoo fly, don't bother me." I've been kind with my words, but they don't listen, which makes me think they don't have ears or they are intentional with their annoyance.

I recently bought a fly swatter clearly to rid our home of these little fu**ers. Not only are these thieving little fu**ers out to land my body they are very intentional about landing my food, as well.

Now, I know my skin is luscious and my food is scrumptious but I clearly remember not sending them an invitation. If one so happened to land in their mailbox they didn't r.s.v.p. Hmpffff!

Just when I think I've conquered the greatest feat of my day, they reappear in my bathroom, bedroom and my kitchen in PACKS. It's like they're a gang out for blood..."well, ya know what viscous little fu**ers, you're mess'n with the wrong blood! I WILL defeat YOU!!!"
DEAD! Muehahahaha!

cross-eyed

2008-09-30T11:26:00.006-06:00

There is a path given by well defined boundaries but there's also an unknown-undefined-blurred path. Both leading to the destination...

Days are ticking by and uncertainties are playing on my insecurities.

"You Had Time"

2008-09-28T14:20:00.001-06:00

WE made a new discovery. Attending a concert this weekend has baffled my mind. We prepped ourselves for all the possibilities that could occur by returning to Denver to watch a concert. 'She' advised us not to attend as we were too raw. We went against her advise. We dressed in our armor and headed north to discover a new Denver. We were not prepped for what we returned with...our story, sang by the prolific Ani. The lyrics streamed down our faces in the form of tears.

This is one more layer to our foundation...