Tracing I Love You

Its been months since I've told this story but the other day I had to re-hash it during therapy. Yep, I'm back in therapy, many would say it has been way too long.

May 14th
This day has entered my memory bank and will forever be there, not to much can erase this day however we (I) have an idea, but that's another story for another day.

The day didn't start off very well. I spent the morning crying in the shower trying to figure out what was wrong with my love, Sarah. She had been 'off' for approximately 4 months and only seemed to be getting worse. I met up with a couple friends that day discussing the changes I've been witnessing. I walked away with confidence in myself, our relationship and Sarah.

The 9th Floor
I was in such anticipation as I watched the elevator tick upward to the 9th floor of the downtown tower. I couldn't wait to see her, have her see my face glowing with resolution. I rounded the halls lined with cubicles and offices to her small (smallest of all financial reps but coolest) hip, chic office. To my surprise, she wasn't there so I ventured around the office asking if anyone has seen her or if they know where she is. I continued to get, "no."

I stopped by her colleagues office to see her calendar as she may be out to coffee with a potential client, her calendar was blank. The lines drew hard between my eyes with confusion. I walked back to her office to see if her purse and wallet had gone with her, both were behind her desk. Worry began to overcome me. I marched back to her colleague and explained what I had found and asked him to send her a text, 10 minutes passed, nothing.

I sent her a message on our blackberry messenger and waited for delivery, nothing. I couldn't get to my car fast enough as I was stricken by worry. I drove home and opened our garage to count our bikes, 1, 2, 3...7, all were there. A few day before Sarah had told me she wasn't safe when I asked, she told me she wanted to ride up into the mountains and hang herself. Little did I know she was very serious. Let it be known, if anyone says these words to you in any manner that indicates suicide take them to a facility. I did not. I am disappointed that I did not react to her words.

I headed to Christy's house as I didn't know what to do. Sarah's blackberry message still hadn't been received. I arrived at Christy's and she instantly asked me, "what's wrong?" I had it written all over my face. I explained what I had been doing the past hour and her response was, "did you check the house?", I replied, "no, I only opened the garage and counted the bikes."

The Shower
We walked into the house and my face was blasted with humid shower air, relief entered my body. I told Christy, "it's okay, she's home, she's in the shower", she asked which shower so we headed to our bedroom.

As the bathroom door opened my first glance were feet dangling outside of our red shower curtain. I rushed in and pulled the curtain aside. She was lying there completely still as the cold shower glanced off her body. Adrenaline kicked in. Christy said, "Erika call 911!" I said, "no, you!" I jerked her limp body out of the shower so fast, which was a mistake, unbeknownst to me she had tried to hang herself, but that was an after thought. I screamed her name so many times with no response. Tears streamed my face. I grabbed her wrist to feel for a radial pulse, her skin was so cold, nothing. Reached for the carotid artery, nothing. I put my ear to her mouth for a breath, nothing. I rolled my hand over, again to feel for a breath, Nothing. I try the carotid again, YES, there's a pulse, but very faint.

Christy was on the phone with the 911 operator repeating every thing I was saying. Christy yells, "Erika start CPR!", I reply, "I can't." " You're a nurse, yes you can", she states. I began CPR. After the first 5 compressions, tears streaming down my face, I say, "I can't believe she's letting me do this to her." I give the first breath, her chest inflates and her breath gives back, "I think, she's breathing", I say. I flip my hand over to feel on sensitive skin, YES, but again faintly.

Now, everything in the books say, pulse and respirations do not do CPR. I wasn't about to take a chance. I did CPR until the paramedics arrived.

The Waiting Room
Boy oh boy, if your loved one is ever behind those steel doors and you haven't heard a word from a doctor it is such a revolting feeling. A chaplain walks out and looks me straight in my eyes, my heart sinks, no, no, no I thought, but she rounds the corner. I think my heart actually missed a beat.

Finally, the security officer led me back to her room. I walked in and she was intubated, shit, shit, shit, this is not good, ran through my head. I immediately went to her ear and told her how much I loved her, a tear rolled down her face and her pulse went up. I asked the nurse if this is possible she heard and understood me, he said that he didn't think so. Whatever, I thought. She was so cold. I listened to him give me the run down of her being intubated, catheterized, lavaged, and her body temperature. I pretended I didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew all to well.

I stayed with her until they transferred her.

ICU
Waiting and friends arriving with prayers, worry, condolences and love is what happened in the ICU that night. Sarah's night nurse absolutely acknowledged us as partners, she told me to go home and rest as she's on duty. I slept probably 3 hours. Adrenaline was still piercing through my veins.

I arrive the next morning around 6:30am. I was told they were going to try to wake her. The night nurse let me back during shift change which is usually against the rules. The day nurse gave me evils, I should have known then.

Sarah's eyes were open. I walk in and she tries to talk, but nothing comes out only alarm bells from the intubation machine. I tell her don't talk, both our eyes fill with huge crocodile tears. She waves for my hand, she traces each letter, I-L-O-V-E-U, I cried harder. I-M-S-O-R-R-Y, I said, "I know baby." I-W-A-N-T-E-D-T-O-D-I-E, "I know baby, it's okay." I said.

I stayed with her until she was transferred to the Medical-Surgical floor, at this point she was stable, physically healthy and ALIVE!

Most of you know the journey beyond the hospital walls as Sarah has kept you up to date. I hope this helps fill in some the gaps, sorry it has taken me so long to write this. Sarah, no matter what, I love you.

Her Birthday

It's coming up soon and fast. O' what to get the little lady! I'll give the details later...

For you.

Tears stream down my face as I read your words. You amaze me, surprise me with how well you know me. I never thought any one person would 'get' me. All smiles are for you, all snickers are for you, oh and HUNK bars. :0)

I love your stories. Never stop sharing, good or traumatizing, it helps me know you. Helps me understand the complexity of your head. Helps me reach across and hold you in my arms. Helps me believe-in you, in us, in we.

Jack asked me to share why I was crying and laughing while reading your blog. So I did. I encouraged him to share such powerful words with his future love, he smiled. You always make us smile. A smile shares a million thoughts. Thank you for creating a million beautiful thoughts as we smile-at you.

Always, yours.

Armor Amor

I've never felt so much steel.
The weight must be beyond your strongest will.
Circling in and out,
waiting to be caught and fed as a meal.

Your hard armor butts against my soft shell.
Soft only to those whom go by 'lover'.
You watch as my eyes begin to swell.
A kiss, you say, will make you die?

Lay down my strong steed.
There is no need, begin to rest with me.
I am not your enemy.
The hands second will help us be.

Layers upon layers begin to unbind.
A sun stricken armor fills the carpeted floor.
I dare not look saturated-steel feels unkind.
Caught by an eye, a small stitch begins to unravel, and then amor.

Don't be in haste when reaching for the metal.
As your head begins to rattle.
Hear my words, "You are safe".
Spin around, a dare taken, awaits.

Winter Anomaly

I met her one snow covered day.
It was the feeling of depth.
Hidden away from all that was in the way.
Games were the beginning of the way we sway.

Time collapsed.
Everything began to burn.
Dreams shattered turning to sap.
The the winter sang, "dreamers have a turn."

Harvest was upon us and words began to fly.
Emotion seeped deep.
Deny her.
Deny her.

Winter snow blew us,
upon the wounded table.
Tears, fears, trust.
Guards marched; fight who they're able.

Mending the story for a happy ending.
Growing green house dreams.
O' what went wrong?
An ally, not so much, a movie's Scream.

Winter came with much wonder.
Begging for a time warp.
Feelings of familiar ponder.
Silence...and done?

A view worth a thousand lies.
Questions blaze...
Emotions halt the dreary tie.
Stricken with the truth.
Finger nails stripping the chalk ridden board.

Can't seem to let you go.
Haunting years.
Please, please I beg you to sew,
our summoned fears.

Let it be,
a future awaits we.

I was warm when you entered my home.
I lent you my shoulder when your strength weakened.
I prepared food for your soul.
I praised you for respect.

I mended the harsh words.
I salvaged the relationship.
I showered you with gifts when the holiday was upon us.
I asked for your unbiased advise.
I opened my heart to you.
I trusted you.
You called me 'friend'.

You had another plan.
You fed off her dispair.
Longed for her highs and lows.
Your motivation changed.
You began to slither.
Your prey was near.
The long grass camouflaged your intent.

She listened.
You gathered the broken pieces.
Elder words radiated.
Her body easily entered your lubricated tongue.
Lies were in transition.

I became suspicious.
Accusations ran...

waiting...perched high, ready for salvation.

Truths stained the air.
Exausted. Her breath slowed, she escaped.

SHE salvaged the relationship.

The GOOD fight

On the defeat of the anti-discrimination bill in Olympia, Cammermeyer says we need to learn from the experience and figure out to how to succeed next time. She says, "I continue to wonder how I can do more." She believes, "First, you live your truth. And you do that with dignity, with grace, and with visibility. Then you're active in your community," whether that's the gay community, your workplace, or any other sort. As you live your truth, she feels, the misconceptions others have of you because you're gay, or former military, or a Democrat, weaken.

As long as "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" exists and people can't serve openly, and as long as gays and lesbians in the state of Washington can be fired from their jobs simply because of their orientation, Cammermeyer has a mission. "Until that changes, those are the issues that I will be speaking out on behalf of," she says.

~Dr. Grethe Cammermeyer RN, PhD

This morning I watch 'Serving in Silence', starring Glenn Close. This movie is based on true coming out story of Col. Grethe Cammermeyer. It's worth seeing-

At least take a look at her website: http://www.cammermeyer.com